Writer's Block Ramblings

I haven’t been able to write recenty. Don’t know why except that I have been writing and reading a lot for school and I haven’t let myself sit and think and process and be me. So what am I thinking?

I’m thinking about and anticipating exactly how hard this semester will be. How many assignments will make me nervous and anxious. About how to build your confidence up after you have been put down. About finding a job and what the heck “market yourself” means.

I am thinking about how every time the train goes by and honks its horn (or whatever that thing is) my heart skips a beat. I hate that. I’m thinking that I really hope I actually use Netflix as much as I anticipated. That my heart will learn to be patient and logical while remaining passionate and connected. I think that making lists is a way for me to control my environment when I feel out of control.

I am thinking that I have underestimated the power of football season for way too long. That I miss signing. That I miss writing songs.

My pizza is ready…

I am thinking about how fun it is to go to the grocery store with someone new. How it’s possible to start a new life in your home town. I am thinking that I should hold onto my youth while longing to grow up.

I think that I love blogging even though it doesn’t make any sense right now because no matter what anyone understands I feel a sense of peace just writing down, what I think.

Tomorrow is a Brand New Day

I am so thankful blessed and excited that tomorrow is always a brand new day. That I get to wake up and go
to work and go to school to come home and do school work. It's so easy to complain but how amazing is it that I have such opportunities. I pray that I will be grateful and thankful all throughout my day.

Do It Lord

This song was sung this weekend at church and I love it.


Do It Lord

By: Tommy Walker


I see your glory, covering the earth Lord
Just as the waters, covering the sea
I see the millions, coming to salvation
I see revival, fire in the land
I see the lost, nameless ones remembered
I see the widows, shouting out your praise
I see the friendless, loved and cele brated
Orphans fullfilling Lord, your calling on their lives

Do It Lord, do it lord
Do it Lord we are praying
Do it Lord, do it
That your glory may be seen

I see forgiveness over taking hatred
Pride and prejudice, now giving way to love
I see depression replaced with joy and gladness
And Satan's lies, now bowing to the truth

Do It Lord, do it lord
Do it Lord we are praying
Do it Lord, do it!
That your glory may be seen

This is our prayer oh God
This is our desperate cry
In these days that were living now
Let your kingdom come
Let your will be done

I see the brokeness of families, brought to wholeness
I see the prodigals, running home to you
Father's hearts, now turning toward their children
And the children's hearts, turning toward the fathers
I see your Church, all rising up in power
Laying down their lives in unity and love
I hear the sound of every tribe and nation
Giving glory to Jesus Christ the Son

Pictures are Worth... Priceless

I love my family, as maybe you can tell. To me family means way more than biology and genetics, more than childhood and my last name. To me it means love. It means home. It means I call them to share the best and worse of news. That I carry them with me throughout my life wherever I am.

Erin Youngren, 1/2 of the husband and wife photography team The Youngrens, that photographed my sisters wedding, put it perfectly in their blog when she described the feeling and impact of being surrounded by love. That's family. That's my family...

The family gets a beach house for the week in Newport every summer. We were so priviileged to have Jeff and Erin Youngren as our guests the first Sunday night and they even took some amazing family pictures of us. Check them out on their blog here.

Details

In an effort to be original and to save some money and following the lead of my crafty and creative mother and sister I decided to sew and paint a lot of the decorations that I wanted in my room this year. I had so much fun learning to sew curtains, pillow cases, and runners (my mom is a great teacher and my sister is a great learning partner) and expressing myself creatively by painting my own canvases for my room. As I have mentioned before, I have been a little homesick these past few weeks living in my new apartment, and I think that the following touches of home have really made my room feel more comfortable and warm and have put some of those homesick feelings at ease.

To warn you, my Dad has often described my painting and style as "college-y" not sure what that means but I have never QUITE taken it as a compliment. So I realize that this just might look a little "college-y" to you too but just know that whatever it is, I love it and I really hope you do too (but if you don't it's okay because after all you're really not the one living in it).



Okay so here I am not so much showing you the pictures or my TV but the black and white runner that I sewed for my dresser.



Here are the canvases that I painted with two of my favorite lyrics, I painted these as hopeful reminders of God's love and my desire to live my days for Him.



This final picture shows another set of curtains and the teal pillow cases that I sewed. I love the contrast of the dark with the bright, Stephanie was my interior designer for most of these.

Check out another one of her interior design projects here.

From the City...

Sex and the City really can be profound and so true. It's one of my favorite shows even though I have only watched it on TBS reruns and rented seasons on DVD because I was only like 12 when the show was canceled. I own the Sex and the City movie and admittedly cried the first time I saw it and last night sat down to watch it again all five hours of it. I love it. My sister recently started doing blog posts answering some of Carrie Bradshaw's infamous profound questions on her blog. Check them out here. Below are some of my favorite Sex and the City quotes that will undoubtedly make you laugh or smile or shake your head.


“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.”

“Maybe mistakes are what make our fate... without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn't fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it's comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart... and if you're very lucky, a plane ride away”

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

“Are there some women put in the world just to make you feel bad about yourself?”

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

I Believe It's Called Projection

WARNING: ONCE AGAIN EMO

Okay so I’m not a psychology buff, although I have been analyzed many-a-time, but I HAVE heard of that term “projection.” I think that’s the one where you are feeling one emotion but you project another emotion onto someone else? I believe it’s what you might call a defense mechanism. (That might not be it at all but for the purpose of this post, let's pretend, it's late).Have you ever heard the phrase “I’d rather fight with you than anything happy with anyone else?” that might not be it exactly, but you get the gist.

Before two weeks ago I had never done a long distance relationship before. I know we like to say that “It’s good for you as an individual” and “I’m so happy for you to have this time to grow” but let’s just be real and admit that those are little lies that we tell ourselves to try to ignore the pain of missing being around someone that you care about.

Missing someone is like having multiple personalities. On one hand there is the sweet thoughtful personality that sends random cards, presents and surprises. On another hand there’s the personality that sulks around feeling lonely and listening to songs that remind you of him. There’s also a personality that anxiously anticipates his next visit, one that aims to stay busy and avoid feeling, one that covers your walls with pictures of the two of you, and one that picks a fight just because you’re sad and a little lonely.

Tonight’s personality of choice-- the last option. The projection. The lonely. The “I’m missing you darn it so I’m going to find something to fight about” really attractive part deep down inside of me. The defense mechanism that always ends up making me feel crummier than before. Picking a fight just to feel close to you, to displace my sad feelings, to let go of some of that anxiety and anticipation… it never feels good. So why do I continue to do it?

No clue… sorry.

It's 8:30 on a Monday Night

Random thoughts...

I made dinner tonight. Okay, I lied. I heated up brown rice in the microwave added some Italian Seasoning and heated up some chicken that my mom grilled for me last night. Whether or not I cooked it, I sure did feel domestic. I felt accomplished and excited. I love that feeling of independence no matter where it comes from.

I then moved on to homework time. Tonight's docket includes reading for Entrepreneurship and problems from the text book for Finance. I'm not sure if it's because I have great professors, if the material is more applicable than ever, or because I see the light at the end of the tunnel (aka graduation), but like the nerd I always knew I was inside... I LOVE school.

I LOVE learning and asking questions and applying them to my daily life and to be completely honest, being in an office makes me giddy. This translates into my excitement to graduate and get a job. I KNOW I KNOW... everyone says to hold on as long as I can but if you know me at all you know that patience is not my strongest virtue. I LOVE working in an office and I LOVE my job. Hint from my Childhood: At the age of 7 I was running "Family Meetings", with my coloring box brief case and make-shift pajama shirt business outfit. I guess I always knew that I would find joy in an office setting, that cubicles wouldn't scare me, that I would find dressing up for work glamorous, and that the thought of a corner office would always entice me.

SO on that note... for now I am craving something sweet, trying to talk myself into working out in the morning, wondering what I'm going to wear tomorrow, and hoping I get to talk to the bf tonight on the phone... all while trying to read the next 60 pages of Wikinomics, moving on to the first few chapters of Malcom Gladwell's Blink, and finally hopping over to Excel to create a balance sheet and income statement for Chapter 2 problems in Finance.

I sure do get random in the evenings...

Sunday Post in a New Way

Thoughts on the Train

I’m currently on the Amtrak from San Diego to Los Angeles. Sitting down for three hours really gets you thinking…


I don’t want to sound whiny and sour. I am so happy, so extremely blessed and so thankful for my life. I guess a lot of the time I am inspired to write in order to deal with the weird stuff that is going on in my life. It helps to write about the things that really tug at my heartstrings that make me joyous, upset, and confused. So what are those?

Right now I am feeling confused and conflicted. Since moving back down to school this past Sunday I have been going through a miniature identity crisis. I left San Diego in the beginning of May not confident in who I was and anxious of my future. Throughout the summer I began to find comfort and peace in who I am and embrace life and my future. It was like I had been holding my breath for so long and then finally just let myself let go and breathe, let myself stop worrying so much and start living. What an amazing and freeing feeling.

Fast-forward three months and summer is over, school has started and I have moved back to San Diego. It’s one semester before graduation and I am so completely excited for my future, the problem is that I just can’t seem to get excited about the present. Have you ever felt like a square block trying to fit into a circle opening? I can’t help but feel like that right now. Like something has changed in me and not in anything else. As if I left that breath of fresh air in Los Angeles when I left home.
How do you hold onto who you are no matter where you are?

My dream is to embrace each day and be thankful, wake up with a smile and find my purpose in every day. Wonderful concept but how do I put it into action?

Conundrum…

Feels Like Home to Me

I am writing this post at the risk of sounding very emo, and I'm okay with that. I hope you are too.

What feels like home to you? To everyone its different, it may be a smell, a sound, or even the sight of a plastic covered couch that reminds them of home. For me it's everything. It's the sound of a dog barking, the smell of good food, the sound of insane laughter, stories being told, crime dramas, little kids, big kids, gigantic 6'5" mexicans... everything.

This week was the first week of my last semester as a college student. As a senior you would think that I get used to saying goodbye to the fam, that it doesn't make me ball hysterically the entire drive back to school, that I don't have to cut subsequent phone calls to home short because I'm getting weepy, that I don't feel homesick in my really cute and fun apartment in downtown. But I do.

There's something about being in a place where you know you are loved unconditionally, where your ups and downs are shared with those around you, where you never have to laugh or cry alone, where your bad days are met with a sympathetic look by a big black lab... HOME.

I miss it...

Who Says You Can't Do Prom Again?

Ok so I think I finally found the perfect prom date and prom group. Am I too late? Two nights ago my sister came over to try on my prom dress for a black-tie wedding she was going to. When she got it out of the guest room closet we realized that not only was MY prom dress hanging there but so was HERS and while MY dress is three years old, HERS is seven and SO deliciously 2002!

The whole house was in for a special treat as we took them on a little trip down memory lane, prom style. We put our prom dresses on for the first time since prom night and walked around the house posing for my mom as she humored us with pictures. It was a joyous occassion :) We not only brought our mom into the madness as paparazzi but made made the boys pose with us in the ever popular prom pose... even Buddy (our dog) graced us with a picture.

So just in case we didn't embarrass ourselves enough in our own home that day, I thought it would be necessary to share it with the world (aka the few friends and family that read my blog).

Couture:

On Elizabeth... Designed by Elizabeth Rae, Made by Vera Villa

On Stephanie... Dress from Windsor Store

Now: 3-7 Years Later


With Buddy...



With our dates...



With the sun that made us realize our dresses were see through... oops

For Papa

Older Mexican men tug at my heart strings. I don't know why but Mexican men in freshly pressed jeans, flannel shirts, and cowboy hats make me a little weepy. It could be because they remind me of one of my two favorite men in the world, my Papa Villa. I miss him.

To me, my Papa has always been a symbol of strength, hard work, and pride. He had dark leathered skin, calloused hands, and a passion for telling stories. His dark skin was dark from the Arizona sun that he spent 60 years working beneath, his calloused hands were from picking crops, hauling hay, and raising his own animals and vegetables, and his stories came from a long life lived in a very different time.

With only a 7th grade education, he sure did love to teach what he knew. He taught me how to garden, the importance of an education, the value of hard work, and the power of thinking for yourself. I know that he wasn't a saint, but to me he is a hero. He may not have shown his love for his family through words of affirmation or gifts but he worked hard for many years to provide for them and what they needed. He may not have been quick to humor or sentiment, but he read to me when I was little and told me stories when I got older and I always knew that he loved me.

The stories we tell from my Dad's childhood that make us roll on the floor laughing usually involve my Papa's "I don't give a damn" attitude. Countless stories of junky cars, escaping livestock, and life on a farm would never make my Papa even blink an eye in embarrassment because to him that was life and well, he didn't give a damn. To him those stories didn't mean much but to us, to his family, they mean the world. They are a narrative to his legacy.

His legacy is one that lives inside his children and grandchildren's hearts, that makes us laugh when we see a car dealership, the dog races, or a junky car. That makes us smile when we see a Red Lobster, when someone says shit, or blames something on "the man". That makes us work harder even if we feel tired or run down, that doesn't let us quit... That lets us know that nothing is ever impossible, even if he didn't believe it, his story tells it. Thanks Papa.

LOVE YOU & MISS YOU PAPA