I get that relationships are hard work. I think I am pretty good at working at them, the tangible and instantly gratifying relationships that I have with people. What about my relationship with God? I have for so long desired to desire God. But the usual methods for fixing and growing human relationships do not work with the God of the universe, or do they? How do I WORK on that relationship?
I have been struggling with this question for so long that I have become stagnant. I have been so put off by the “must do’s/don’t do’s” of the Christian college atmosphere that I totally forgot that my Christianity is not based on the expectations of others but on my love for my Savior and His love for me.
I understand and I crave that but I won’t lie, I am scared. I am so haunted by the “give up what you have and follow me,” that I cannot bring myself to grow closer to God in fear that He will ask me to do just that. I have lived out my Christianity according to expectations, only to realize that I am missing the passion and desire for Jesus Christ. Then again, I’m afraid.
Are there such things as baby steps? If I am so scared that I can’t get myself to be silent in fear of being convicted or commanded to do something, can I take it one step at a time? My fear is blocking my ability to see how much God loves me. That He has plans for me.
I am so Type A that the fact that He has plans for me that I can’t figure out drives me absolutely crazy. In a time of so much uncertainty for me, when I feel like I am barely holding onto a small piece of control over my future, I am supposed to give it to him? How?
If despite the fear, I take up my cross and follow Him. How? Reading my Bible and praying? Is that enough? Is love really the simple answer?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
All you need is love?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
4 comments:
Lizard,
I think you have touched the heart of what most of us who walk on this amazing journey Christ has put us on. At least you have mine. Your insight is one that has haunted me since I gave my life to Christ and left the Mormon faith. As Dave Roberts would say, it is the "mystery" that drives me crazy. I was brought up to know the answer. To know the steps I needed to take to get to where I wanted to be. Then I meet this crazy and amazing God who tells me to I am His beloved and no matter what, I am loved. I am His. I will never be left alone. How do conceive a gift like that? How do I deserve a gift like that? Well, I don't. I guess I wanted to tell you that I still struggle with the "daily" walk that I have and the longing to really have that relationship that I long for. At almost 45, the exact answer still eludes me. It is still a mystery. But I know He is with my in the mystery. He is with me in my uncertainty. He is with my in the daily failures. There is a profound peace in knowing He is with me.
Thanks for helping me remember that.
love you lizard.
Angy
Chizzy-
I think Angy is right. I don't think there will ever be a day when we will wake up and feel like we have the answer. As for knowing God and walking with Him, we should look at jesus' life for some insight. Even though he was His son, He was human and still needed to work at his relationship too. And what I love about it is that it wasn't one thing it was so many acts: praying, healing, serving, community, worship etc. The same can be said for our walk with the Lord. It is personal to us, so personalize it! Let those daily acts pour out of your love and desire for him and use ways that are specific to you. Sing! Journal! Read! Serve! It only has to be done one way, YOUR WAY. When you focus on these things, the "do's and don'ts" that haunt you will distract you no more.
But no matter what this journey looks like for you, up or down, I like to remember my favorite verse. Matthew 28:20 "Surely I am with you always". So no matter what He is beside you! :)
It doesnt make the journey easier but it does give me some much needed assurance and peace.
Love you chizzy! I think you're amazing!
Chizzard,
I almost never have the answers for my life. I find it so amazing that no matter how much I plan, and calculate, and plan some more for my life and the life I want my family to lead - the plans somehow always change. I too, agree with Angela and Steph in that trusting in our faith is the only answer. I read in a book once that our relationship with Jesus Christ is this tight rope that we walk where most of our balance relies on us and the control we have over our body, and the other part of our balance relies on our faith. That has always stuck with me. Especially during those moments that I just can't seem to control. I love you Chizzard, and I am so proud that you and your Sis and your Mom and Dad are a part of my family's life. Just know He is with us even when we can't see it.
I didn't realize that I don't get emails when I get comments on my blog so I just stumbled on these comments right now. I love you. THank you for listening to me and taking the time to share what you have learned with me. :)
Post a Comment