Writer's Block

Writer's block is what I write when I don't know what to write. It's stream of consciousness therefore I don't edit, it will be random, probably won't make sense, and will obviously be dramatic as usual. So here it goes...

Sometimes I'm bitchy. I'll just put that out there. Most of you who have met me before, know me pretty well, or have known me for years might not know this. You might not be one of the people who get the brunt of the madness.

I get overwhelmed easily. I get overwhelmed easily, but I feel like I can handle the world. So what do you get when you put the two together?

I feel on top of the world when I am busy and productive. I find work fun. I love fixing things. Sounds lame. So what does this mean for my relationships?

What happens when I go through periods of time where I am apathetic? How does that make YOU feel? Probably not the best. Then I feel guilty and consequently overwhelmed.

Do you ever look at yourself and think, how will I ever change everything that I need to? How will I feel peace in who I am? How will I trust myself in the decisions that I make? How will I truly love Him from the inside out?

My prayer is for God to align my heart with His, my desires with His, my dreams with His. I pray that His voice would become mine.

Living day to day doesn't seem so overwhelming when I wake up and ask Him to be with me throughout it.

I don't know so much about theology. I went to a Christian University, which means absolutely nothing except that it probably made me more irritable by other Christians.

And as I arrive at graduation time and I am filled with doubt and confusion and fear- all that I know is that I DON'T know. For a control freak like me, yikes. All that I know is that I DON'T know. This leaves me in prayer and I hope that it keeps me in prayer.

How can I pray for you?

All you need is love?

I get that relationships are hard work. I think I am pretty good at working at them, the tangible and instantly gratifying relationships that I have with people. What about my relationship with God? I have for so long desired to desire God. But the usual methods for fixing and growing human relationships do not work with the God of the universe, or do they? How do I WORK on that relationship?

I have been struggling with this question for so long that I have become stagnant. I have been so put off by the “must do’s/don’t do’s” of the Christian college atmosphere that I totally forgot that my Christianity is not based on the expectations of others but on my love for my Savior and His love for me.

I understand and I crave that but I won’t lie, I am scared. I am so haunted by the “give up what you have and follow me,” that I cannot bring myself to grow closer to God in fear that He will ask me to do just that. I have lived out my Christianity according to expectations, only to realize that I am missing the passion and desire for Jesus Christ. Then again, I’m afraid.

Are there such things as baby steps? If I am so scared that I can’t get myself to be silent in fear of being convicted or commanded to do something, can I take it one step at a time? My fear is blocking my ability to see how much God loves me. That He has plans for me.

I am so Type A that the fact that He has plans for me that I can’t figure out drives me absolutely crazy. In a time of so much uncertainty for me, when I feel like I am barely holding onto a small piece of control over my future, I am supposed to give it to him? How?

If despite the fear, I take up my cross and follow Him. How? Reading my Bible and praying? Is that enough? Is love really the simple answer?